I woke up in the middle of the night with a conscious to receive the answer I have been praying for.
It is something I felt important that I have to pen down so that I myself do not forget and where better place to keep reminding myself other than my blog where I can access anywhere?
First thing was about my current relationship aka my current love life. The true gifts that really matters should come from the Spirit. To compare what I have been receiving and to what the Holy Spirit can give-
Fruits of the Holy Spirit:
I was lacking in receiving all these and I felt constantly not at peace. A true relationship should have these and I should not compromise in his weakness. I should share this with him. The high in monetary value or flashy romantic gifts does not matter anymore. This is the first answer given unto me.
Second was this, the direction I am heading. To not be affected and to have Agape Love.
I googled the meaning of Agape Love and wiki gave me this meaning:
"Agape" love in 1 Corinthians 13, it is sacrificial, demonstrated by Jesus' death on the cross, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in and for man) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes do not fade under any circumstances, and it endures everything without weakening. [Love never becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. Love never fails."
The definition helps me to put myself back into the right mind. God knows what I have gone through and how I am feeling, how I keep telling Him how I feel and this is what I have to develop and receive the gift / ability to have Agape Love in the things I am facing because this is GOD's way and I should not follow my own way. So the distinction and doubts whether things just pop up my mind or was I doing things by my way was cleared.
And His command:
"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." 2 John 1:6
Now I am feeling so much transformation happening. The troubles I had were blessings in disguise to save me from lies and to give me the truth because I am after all God's beloved daughter. And the hardships I have faced and had to face some more in the future due to this problem will shape me to be the better person God wants me to be. After all He is a God who will make good things come out from bad things.
I have grown a lot these past few months, by force though I resented it but now I will tell myself it is okay, the suffering and everything brings me closer to God. However there is still the consequences I had to face, and by God's grace, not alone as He had opened my heart to his trusted servants whom will also be praying for me and gives me support when I can't seem to handle it.
And this is a message for people out there:
Confession is the step to recovery
I find it amazing how God speaks to us. As how Jesus once says, uh I don't really remember the full sentence but it was something like the reason He spoke in parables so that those who listens hear, but shall not understand, and seeing you shall see, and shall not perceive. My own understanding is that God speaks to us in various ways, it is then that God opens the mind and heart so one can understand Spiritual truth. Like a different message for different people only when your heart is opened to God and when you begin to build this relationship and connection with Him through Christ.